I Fucking Hate Humans
I hope everyone's holiday season has been the best that they've hoped that it can be. For me, it's been one of the crappiest times.
I've been in a weird funk the last couple of weeks, and it isn't fun. I'm honestly not sure why, either, but it's a real low right now, and I don't like it. I've just been rolling with the punches recently, and things in my life aren't going for the best right now. There're 11 days until Christmas, and everyone else is excitedly going on and on about how they can't wait until they see what they get from their significant other. Can't wait until they can go see the Christmas lights with their significant other, etc.
Here I am. I guess the holiday season always gets me in my feelings because every holiday season has been pretty shitty for me recently. I haven't had a consistent, decent, holiday since 2014, and I'm going to continue the bad streak of holiday's for what feels like the rest of my life. That sounds a bit dramatic, but right now that's what I'm feeling, and nobody's going to read this, so I just need to let my feelings out.
I thought my life was going to be peachy and fantastic this time last month. I was having a good time enjoying the company of a guy I had a crush on freshman year. Today, he took his last final, and essentially told me that he doesn't want anything to do with me in the way of a relationship, but that I can give him a blowjob any day. What the hell? What makes me not good enough for a relationship? Then he goes off to play that "this is all some huge game." What the hell kind of game do you play with someone like that? It doesn't make any lick of sense, because a person can act completely different in person than they do through the phone. I hate it. I'm getting tired of stupid petty games, and that seems like it's all people around me want to do, and I absolutely hate it, if I'm going to be honest.
I just don't understand what makes me not good enough. Why am I not good enough for someone to want to be in a relationship with me? Why am I only good enough for anyone to ever want something sexual from me? Why? What about me isn't good enough to want more from me? I wish I knew these things, because, of course, I'd try to change them. I just want to know how to be good enough for someone that isn't a shithead. Someone that won't cheat on me consistently, or someone that won't leave after the first month of being with me. Maybe I push people away? I don't know. But it would be nice to be thought of as more than just a "prize" to accomplish from trying to fuck me.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm not good enough. I can feel great about myself, and be in a situation that I feel good about also...but then it fucks me over for no apparent reason. I don't know if this is God's way of smiting me for all of the bullshit that I did in the past, and if it is, I'd like to repent all my sins please, because I absolutely hate this...
I've been in a weird funk the last couple of weeks, and it isn't fun. I'm honestly not sure why, either, but it's a real low right now, and I don't like it. I've just been rolling with the punches recently, and things in my life aren't going for the best right now. There're 11 days until Christmas, and everyone else is excitedly going on and on about how they can't wait until they see what they get from their significant other. Can't wait until they can go see the Christmas lights with their significant other, etc.
Here I am. I guess the holiday season always gets me in my feelings because every holiday season has been pretty shitty for me recently. I haven't had a consistent, decent, holiday since 2014, and I'm going to continue the bad streak of holiday's for what feels like the rest of my life. That sounds a bit dramatic, but right now that's what I'm feeling, and nobody's going to read this, so I just need to let my feelings out.
I thought my life was going to be peachy and fantastic this time last month. I was having a good time enjoying the company of a guy I had a crush on freshman year. Today, he took his last final, and essentially told me that he doesn't want anything to do with me in the way of a relationship, but that I can give him a blowjob any day. What the hell? What makes me not good enough for a relationship? Then he goes off to play that "this is all some huge game." What the hell kind of game do you play with someone like that? It doesn't make any lick of sense, because a person can act completely different in person than they do through the phone. I hate it. I'm getting tired of stupid petty games, and that seems like it's all people around me want to do, and I absolutely hate it, if I'm going to be honest.
I just don't understand what makes me not good enough. Why am I not good enough for someone to want to be in a relationship with me? Why am I only good enough for anyone to ever want something sexual from me? Why? What about me isn't good enough to want more from me? I wish I knew these things, because, of course, I'd try to change them. I just want to know how to be good enough for someone that isn't a shithead. Someone that won't cheat on me consistently, or someone that won't leave after the first month of being with me. Maybe I push people away? I don't know. But it would be nice to be thought of as more than just a "prize" to accomplish from trying to fuck me.
I hate this. I hate feeling like I'm not good enough. I can feel great about myself, and be in a situation that I feel good about also...but then it fucks me over for no apparent reason. I don't know if this is God's way of smiting me for all of the bullshit that I did in the past, and if it is, I'd like to repent all my sins please, because I absolutely hate this...
Comments
Post a Comment