January 6, 2020.
A lot has happened since the last time I've written anything on here. Last I wrote, I had just moved in with Matt and his brother, and my cats were so over the moon. In that time span, Matt and I bought a house, and all of our kitties love it so much. It's so heartwarming to know that they're so happy, and I'm unsure where I'd be without him, and them.
I still feel like something is not right with me mentally. There are times where I feel like I just want to cry, and like it's okay for me to just sob uncontrollably about I don't even know what. I get really annoyed and a jealous feeling when I see that Matt and his ex-girlfriend are still friends. She is in no way part of his life, but I still feel like she has some sort of control over him. She'll watch my Instagram stories, regardless of what they're about, and she doesn't even follow me. So I know for a fact that she's checking in/up on his life. Who knows if they even talk to each other, but it really wouldn't surprise me if they do. I can't see anything on his Facebook, and it just irks me a little bit knowing that this person has so much control over him, even 3 years later.
I feel like I just want my life to advance in some way, and I'm ready for that, but it's obvious that Matt isn't. He was engaged to his ex girlfriend because he "felt like it was what he had to do" and I definitely don't want him to feel that way in this situation either, but I don't want to be the person that doesn't get engaged in a relationship and is just sitting stagnant. There are a lot of things that he's oblivious about, but I know for a fact that I've basically told him everything he'd need to get a ring, or whatever, and he hasn't even preemptively started to search for anything of the sort. I feel like I like to at least have things planned out, and thought that he would as well, but obviously that isn't the case. It's just a little heartbreaking for someone to basically tell you that they'd "want to spend the rest of their lives with you," but take no action for it. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I know in past relationships that I've had, at least that individual was remotely looking at rings or thinking of that situation. I'm likely just being selfish and need to move past that situation, but I just needed to let it all out.
I'm ready for a new job, but I feel like the more and more that I talk about it, the more and more it's not going to happen. Which sucks, but at the same time you think that I would have learned by now. Learned to how to not say a damn word about anything other than to maybe one person. In my defense, Matt told some people as well, and it kind of escalated from there, but it definitely just sucks thinking of that.
I know there were some other things I thought I'd write about this time, but I didn't. because I feel like when I start writing things, my brain just turns off. It's really strange being in a situation of the sort, because I feel like my brain is continuously degrading towards things that I used to be good at and things that I used to love doing. It sucks, and is such an awful feeling, let me tell you.
I still feel like something is not right with me mentally. There are times where I feel like I just want to cry, and like it's okay for me to just sob uncontrollably about I don't even know what. I get really annoyed and a jealous feeling when I see that Matt and his ex-girlfriend are still friends. She is in no way part of his life, but I still feel like she has some sort of control over him. She'll watch my Instagram stories, regardless of what they're about, and she doesn't even follow me. So I know for a fact that she's checking in/up on his life. Who knows if they even talk to each other, but it really wouldn't surprise me if they do. I can't see anything on his Facebook, and it just irks me a little bit knowing that this person has so much control over him, even 3 years later.
I feel like I just want my life to advance in some way, and I'm ready for that, but it's obvious that Matt isn't. He was engaged to his ex girlfriend because he "felt like it was what he had to do" and I definitely don't want him to feel that way in this situation either, but I don't want to be the person that doesn't get engaged in a relationship and is just sitting stagnant. There are a lot of things that he's oblivious about, but I know for a fact that I've basically told him everything he'd need to get a ring, or whatever, and he hasn't even preemptively started to search for anything of the sort. I feel like I like to at least have things planned out, and thought that he would as well, but obviously that isn't the case. It's just a little heartbreaking for someone to basically tell you that they'd "want to spend the rest of their lives with you," but take no action for it. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I know in past relationships that I've had, at least that individual was remotely looking at rings or thinking of that situation. I'm likely just being selfish and need to move past that situation, but I just needed to let it all out.
I'm ready for a new job, but I feel like the more and more that I talk about it, the more and more it's not going to happen. Which sucks, but at the same time you think that I would have learned by now. Learned to how to not say a damn word about anything other than to maybe one person. In my defense, Matt told some people as well, and it kind of escalated from there, but it definitely just sucks thinking of that.
I know there were some other things I thought I'd write about this time, but I didn't. because I feel like when I start writing things, my brain just turns off. It's really strange being in a situation of the sort, because I feel like my brain is continuously degrading towards things that I used to be good at and things that I used to love doing. It sucks, and is such an awful feeling, let me tell you.
Comments
Post a Comment