What hurts the most....
I've been a lot in my feelings here lately, which Drake casually is all the time and everyone thinks it's funny, but when I'm in my feelings, I'm labeled a dramatic bitch. Anyway. This is literally just going be a blog about me venting my feelings because I'm upset as shit. I'll probably be crying by the end of this, too, it's fine.
Let's go with our first situation. I've been really into Lauv here lately. Probably because a majority of the songs are incredibly relatable. The one that hit me the deepest was Never Not.
"There's a room in my heart with the memories we made. Took 'em down, but they're still in their frames. There's no way I could ever forget. For as long as I live, and as long as I love, I will never not think about you. No matter what ever I'll do, I will never not think about you.....didn't we have fun, looking back."
I think we can all relate to that song at some point in our lives. It's sad, though, because when you realize you had such a love for someone and you had such an amazing time with them, fearing that you'll never get that again, is a shitty feeling. There's a specific person that it makes me think of when I hear that song. It brings happy tears to my eyes, but at the same time it brings sad ones. This time last year was a really rough time in my life, and unfortunately this year I don't have anyone to block my memory out of the shitty year I had last year, so all I can do is think about it and reminisce.
Let's throw it back to November 19, 2017.
I was having a god time October 2017 because I was finally in a good spot with the person I first fell in love with in my life. He was deployed at the time, and when he came home, we'd be together. We talked about what we would do and how great of a time we would have once he came back. In reality, it was all talk... I'd started going to the gym more because my mom said 'well you want him to come back to the best you, right?' I was feeling great about myself, going to the gym every damn day and being my best self.
Then one day, specifically three days after today last year, my mom asks me about something that someone posted for his birthday. This specific person I had a problem with senior year, because she kind of forced herself in his life, forced herself into his house, forced him to pretty much be in a relationship with her in general. She'd threaten to kill herself, and he'd come running back because of something his mom said that he had to so this ass wouldn't kill herself. There's a special place in hell for people that use that excuse against people. Basically, I knew that because he was 'in a relationship,' forced or not, with this person, there wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to be with me. I got upset, as any person would, knowing he's been in a relationship with this person the entire time. He told me "it wasn't the entire time, and I didn't want you to find out."
Apparently his plan, all along from my assumptions, was that he'd come back, see what would happen with me, and go from there. I had more respect for myself (shit somehow) at that time than to put myself through it. I told him I wasn't going to continue to have even as much as a friendship with him when he couldn't respect to tell me that, and couldn't respect my wishes to not want to continue a relationship with him, because she's in his life. She isn't someone that I would like to associate myself with, because I don't want toxic people in my life, and she would be in my life in a roundabout way. Essentially I told him he could pick one or the other. Naturally people pick toxic people to be in their life, and of course he was going to pick her because "she's going to kill herself if he's not with her." Toxic. As. Shit.
I guess you could say I kind of brought that one upon myself, but I felt that I handled it in a more adult way than I had a lot of other interactions I had with him. My mom is usually always my voice of reason in situations regarding him, as I've been very childish about those things in the past. I sobbed and told her what happened, because to this day, I'm still truly hurt by it. (*Here the tears came*) My mom told me that she felt it was a very mature response to that, and it was incredibly messed up the way things were handled on his end, and that he would even do that.
I think I'll forever be upset about that situation, and the fact that he'll never be in my life again. But I guess everything happens for a reason, and that was God's way of telling me he didn't want him in my life. I was reading our old Facebook messages the other day, and they got me all in my feelings, seeing the person that I truly loved, and how many times I pushed them away.
November 24, 2017.
I'd had a relationship with someone I met from Tinder. We'll call him Jared. Jared and I met Winter 2012. I had just finished my first semester of college. We made out and got pulled over without insurance. it was an interesting time. If "Jared" ever reads this, he'll know it's him immediately. We hung out seldom times here and there, but it ultimately didn't turn into anything. Something in my gut told me to text him in 2016. Whatever bit in me that felt that way can go fuck itself, honestly. We hung out sporadically in 2016, and we'd slept together. It made things shittier, and made me feel like I belonged with him in a sort of way. Not because we'd slept together, but because we would literally be the perfect couple. November 2017, I thought was finally my chance with Jared. I thought I finally was "cool enough, hot enough, good enough" for Jared. As it neared closer to Christmastime, I wanted to go see Christmas lights with Jared. He said "maybe" and that night we talked about being in a relationship. Talked about me finally meeting his family. Finally becoming an actual part of his life. (*queue extra tears, realizing how goddamn stupid I was.*)
Jared texted me one night to come hang out with him. Jared lived 40 minutes from me, so it took awhile to get there. As I was almost there, someone on the other side of Jared's phone pretended to be some female that Jared 'wanted more than me' and talked about how 'gross' I was. This made me feel like shit, and I went to my friends and cried the entire night. ( Thank God for you, S <3. )
Right after the New Year, Jared decided to contact me. When we hung out, he apologized and said he "got super drunk and some girl took his phone and fucked him." I didn't know what to believe about this, because he'd blocked me on Facebook after this, even though we weren't Facebook friends. I'm not stupid. I told myself 2018 was going to be a year without him, but that didn't end up working out. Jared and I hung out a fair amount in 2018. Jared ultimately is fucking an 18 year old now, because he likes them young apparently. Maybe that was my problem. Because I can conjure up however many problems I have about myself, but I'll never know. I have a lot more situations with this assfuck...but i probably just need to write those down and burn them. Maybe then they'll burn out of my head, too.
Let's go with our first situation. I've been really into Lauv here lately. Probably because a majority of the songs are incredibly relatable. The one that hit me the deepest was Never Not.
"There's a room in my heart with the memories we made. Took 'em down, but they're still in their frames. There's no way I could ever forget. For as long as I live, and as long as I love, I will never not think about you. No matter what ever I'll do, I will never not think about you.....didn't we have fun, looking back."
I think we can all relate to that song at some point in our lives. It's sad, though, because when you realize you had such a love for someone and you had such an amazing time with them, fearing that you'll never get that again, is a shitty feeling. There's a specific person that it makes me think of when I hear that song. It brings happy tears to my eyes, but at the same time it brings sad ones. This time last year was a really rough time in my life, and unfortunately this year I don't have anyone to block my memory out of the shitty year I had last year, so all I can do is think about it and reminisce.
Let's throw it back to November 19, 2017.
I was having a god time October 2017 because I was finally in a good spot with the person I first fell in love with in my life. He was deployed at the time, and when he came home, we'd be together. We talked about what we would do and how great of a time we would have once he came back. In reality, it was all talk... I'd started going to the gym more because my mom said 'well you want him to come back to the best you, right?' I was feeling great about myself, going to the gym every damn day and being my best self.
Then one day, specifically three days after today last year, my mom asks me about something that someone posted for his birthday. This specific person I had a problem with senior year, because she kind of forced herself in his life, forced herself into his house, forced him to pretty much be in a relationship with her in general. She'd threaten to kill herself, and he'd come running back because of something his mom said that he had to so this ass wouldn't kill herself. There's a special place in hell for people that use that excuse against people. Basically, I knew that because he was 'in a relationship,' forced or not, with this person, there wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to be with me. I got upset, as any person would, knowing he's been in a relationship with this person the entire time. He told me "it wasn't the entire time, and I didn't want you to find out."
Apparently his plan, all along from my assumptions, was that he'd come back, see what would happen with me, and go from there. I had more respect for myself (shit somehow) at that time than to put myself through it. I told him I wasn't going to continue to have even as much as a friendship with him when he couldn't respect to tell me that, and couldn't respect my wishes to not want to continue a relationship with him, because she's in his life. She isn't someone that I would like to associate myself with, because I don't want toxic people in my life, and she would be in my life in a roundabout way. Essentially I told him he could pick one or the other. Naturally people pick toxic people to be in their life, and of course he was going to pick her because "she's going to kill herself if he's not with her." Toxic. As. Shit.
I guess you could say I kind of brought that one upon myself, but I felt that I handled it in a more adult way than I had a lot of other interactions I had with him. My mom is usually always my voice of reason in situations regarding him, as I've been very childish about those things in the past. I sobbed and told her what happened, because to this day, I'm still truly hurt by it. (*Here the tears came*) My mom told me that she felt it was a very mature response to that, and it was incredibly messed up the way things were handled on his end, and that he would even do that.
I think I'll forever be upset about that situation, and the fact that he'll never be in my life again. But I guess everything happens for a reason, and that was God's way of telling me he didn't want him in my life. I was reading our old Facebook messages the other day, and they got me all in my feelings, seeing the person that I truly loved, and how many times I pushed them away.
November 24, 2017.
I'd had a relationship with someone I met from Tinder. We'll call him Jared. Jared and I met Winter 2012. I had just finished my first semester of college. We made out and got pulled over without insurance. it was an interesting time. If "Jared" ever reads this, he'll know it's him immediately. We hung out seldom times here and there, but it ultimately didn't turn into anything. Something in my gut told me to text him in 2016. Whatever bit in me that felt that way can go fuck itself, honestly. We hung out sporadically in 2016, and we'd slept together. It made things shittier, and made me feel like I belonged with him in a sort of way. Not because we'd slept together, but because we would literally be the perfect couple. November 2017, I thought was finally my chance with Jared. I thought I finally was "cool enough, hot enough, good enough" for Jared. As it neared closer to Christmastime, I wanted to go see Christmas lights with Jared. He said "maybe" and that night we talked about being in a relationship. Talked about me finally meeting his family. Finally becoming an actual part of his life. (*queue extra tears, realizing how goddamn stupid I was.*)
Jared texted me one night to come hang out with him. Jared lived 40 minutes from me, so it took awhile to get there. As I was almost there, someone on the other side of Jared's phone pretended to be some female that Jared 'wanted more than me' and talked about how 'gross' I was. This made me feel like shit, and I went to my friends and cried the entire night. ( Thank God for you, S <3. )
Right after the New Year, Jared decided to contact me. When we hung out, he apologized and said he "got super drunk and some girl took his phone and fucked him." I didn't know what to believe about this, because he'd blocked me on Facebook after this, even though we weren't Facebook friends. I'm not stupid. I told myself 2018 was going to be a year without him, but that didn't end up working out. Jared and I hung out a fair amount in 2018. Jared ultimately is fucking an 18 year old now, because he likes them young apparently. Maybe that was my problem. Because I can conjure up however many problems I have about myself, but I'll never know. I have a lot more situations with this assfuck...but i probably just need to write those down and burn them. Maybe then they'll burn out of my head, too.
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