Quarter-Life Crisis
25 has been an incredibly weird age for me. It really has been. When I turned 25, I realized I'd been living with my parents for more than a year at that point. I took off of work so that I could spend time with myself, but maybe even my family. My birthday was on a Thursday, and it led to me sitting at home by myself with my parents, we went out to eat real quick, and that was it. There wasn't anyone "special" I got a happy birthday from, other than my family, of course, but there honestly hasn't really ever been.
I feel like I'm behind. Someone would probably insert one of those inspirational quotes right now about how "God has a plan for you," but I feel like God's plan for me right now is for me to be a nun. Take a vow of silence, and blog my life instead, like that nun on Shameless. I'm sure God would like that, in some version. Instead of me crying out for anything, any sign of redemption of my life, only to be disappointed.
To be honest, I feel like I'm not the kind of person anyone wants to be with. Well, anyone I'm attracted to and is worth giving attention to. That sounds bad, but it's honestly true, and I don't know of another way to put it. For examples, I really don't want to be a step-mom. Any decent single man now-a-days either has a child, or their ex has a kid they're going to claim as their own and they "co-parent" but not co-parent since they're not actually the parent and the mom only uses them for money. Yeah, that's happened.
When I look back on my life, there're a number of things that I would change. A good number. Right now, I feel like I should still be in college. College was the shortest time of my life, and I wish I could say it was the best, but honestly, it wasn't. I was in a relationship for most of college, and I wholeheartedly regret it. My life would've been incredibly different. Maybe I'd have had more friends, maybe I'd have joined a sorority at some point, maybe I wouldn't have gained 50 pounds and not been able to take it off. Maybe I could've had the guts to tell the man that sat behind me in Philosophy 1003 that I liked him. Instead of now, me pouring out my whole feelings to him and feeling like an idiot when I realize he never had any intention to reciprocate them. Maybe 5 years ago. But 5 years later me weighs 50 pounds more, and looks 50x uglier than 5 years ago me.
I've met decent people along the past 5 years, including college and after. It sucks that the people that you meet in college typically move away. I put myself in an innumerable amount of debt, so even if I wanted to go see those people, I can't financially support that realistically right now. I woke up this morning with the man that I had a crush on back in philosophy class. I had a great time, until I got in my head. Getting in my head always fucks with me, and I feel like I have WAY more time to get in my head now than I did before. Before, my job was so crazy, that everything that I thought about was work. What was potentially going to happen to my kiddos. How was the visit going to go this week? Would this permanency ever happen? Would I ever get that TPR packet and 5 court reports done? Now my mind is wondering in all the depths and hollows of everything that's not that. Sure, I worry and wonder about my kiddos still, but it's no longer my time or place.
As I walked away from campus this morning, all of this hit me. This I-feel-like-I-fucked-up-my-life thing. I feel like I did life wrong, and I've just set myself up for failure at this point. I walked into the grocery store and got overwhelmed. I had a plan for my day that was malleable, but ended up being me leaving the grocery store with three things, the most important was alcohol, of course, and then going to my friends house. My friend is moving this week, and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I went in his room to get my computer, and his cat came up and cuddled me. I immediately just cried, especially knowing that I wasn't ever going to see them again likely, and I wasn't ever going to be in this time or place again. I could live without the pack of idiots outside screaming and yelling at each other. But overall, I'm comfortable here. It's so hard to be comfortable with someone, and I feel like when I get comfortable enough with people, they always leave. Regardless of the circumstance, that's just how my life goes, I guess.
As much as I want to move out of my parents house, I'm not sure how realistic it is right now. I work in a town an hour away from where my parents live, and I justify it by saying 'well I did this before at my old job.' And while I DID do it at my old job, it wasn't as significant for me, because I had friends to stay with sometimes. But now my friends are leaving, and now I'm going to be lost as I'll get out.
These next couple of weeks I feel like are going to be the roughest for me. It's Christmastime and I feel like the holidays are times to spend with your family and people you love, and your significant other and friends. My friends are all spending their days with their significant others, and my family are focused on the little kiddos, which is fine, it just makes me feel very alone and depressed....and I hate this. I'm never going to be the person with a decent significant other. I feel like I'm going to fuck it all up, just like I have in the past. I don't want to, but I can't seem to fix this...
I feel like I'm behind. Someone would probably insert one of those inspirational quotes right now about how "God has a plan for you," but I feel like God's plan for me right now is for me to be a nun. Take a vow of silence, and blog my life instead, like that nun on Shameless. I'm sure God would like that, in some version. Instead of me crying out for anything, any sign of redemption of my life, only to be disappointed.
To be honest, I feel like I'm not the kind of person anyone wants to be with. Well, anyone I'm attracted to and is worth giving attention to. That sounds bad, but it's honestly true, and I don't know of another way to put it. For examples, I really don't want to be a step-mom. Any decent single man now-a-days either has a child, or their ex has a kid they're going to claim as their own and they "co-parent" but not co-parent since they're not actually the parent and the mom only uses them for money. Yeah, that's happened.
When I look back on my life, there're a number of things that I would change. A good number. Right now, I feel like I should still be in college. College was the shortest time of my life, and I wish I could say it was the best, but honestly, it wasn't. I was in a relationship for most of college, and I wholeheartedly regret it. My life would've been incredibly different. Maybe I'd have had more friends, maybe I'd have joined a sorority at some point, maybe I wouldn't have gained 50 pounds and not been able to take it off. Maybe I could've had the guts to tell the man that sat behind me in Philosophy 1003 that I liked him. Instead of now, me pouring out my whole feelings to him and feeling like an idiot when I realize he never had any intention to reciprocate them. Maybe 5 years ago. But 5 years later me weighs 50 pounds more, and looks 50x uglier than 5 years ago me.
I've met decent people along the past 5 years, including college and after. It sucks that the people that you meet in college typically move away. I put myself in an innumerable amount of debt, so even if I wanted to go see those people, I can't financially support that realistically right now. I woke up this morning with the man that I had a crush on back in philosophy class. I had a great time, until I got in my head. Getting in my head always fucks with me, and I feel like I have WAY more time to get in my head now than I did before. Before, my job was so crazy, that everything that I thought about was work. What was potentially going to happen to my kiddos. How was the visit going to go this week? Would this permanency ever happen? Would I ever get that TPR packet and 5 court reports done? Now my mind is wondering in all the depths and hollows of everything that's not that. Sure, I worry and wonder about my kiddos still, but it's no longer my time or place.
As I walked away from campus this morning, all of this hit me. This I-feel-like-I-fucked-up-my-life thing. I feel like I did life wrong, and I've just set myself up for failure at this point. I walked into the grocery store and got overwhelmed. I had a plan for my day that was malleable, but ended up being me leaving the grocery store with three things, the most important was alcohol, of course, and then going to my friends house. My friend is moving this week, and I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I went in his room to get my computer, and his cat came up and cuddled me. I immediately just cried, especially knowing that I wasn't ever going to see them again likely, and I wasn't ever going to be in this time or place again. I could live without the pack of idiots outside screaming and yelling at each other. But overall, I'm comfortable here. It's so hard to be comfortable with someone, and I feel like when I get comfortable enough with people, they always leave. Regardless of the circumstance, that's just how my life goes, I guess.
As much as I want to move out of my parents house, I'm not sure how realistic it is right now. I work in a town an hour away from where my parents live, and I justify it by saying 'well I did this before at my old job.' And while I DID do it at my old job, it wasn't as significant for me, because I had friends to stay with sometimes. But now my friends are leaving, and now I'm going to be lost as I'll get out.
These next couple of weeks I feel like are going to be the roughest for me. It's Christmastime and I feel like the holidays are times to spend with your family and people you love, and your significant other and friends. My friends are all spending their days with their significant others, and my family are focused on the little kiddos, which is fine, it just makes me feel very alone and depressed....and I hate this. I'm never going to be the person with a decent significant other. I feel like I'm going to fuck it all up, just like I have in the past. I don't want to, but I can't seem to fix this...
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