Fresh Start
So....
I figured I'd start a new blog, because a lot has changed in my life since the last time I've blogged. I honestly can't even remember what the last thing I blogged was, because it's been so long and my life the past 3 years has been really shifty and all over the place. SO let's start with where I was 3 years ago in life.
Flashback to November 2015. I was nervous, as I was getting ready to graduate in December, and I felt like I didn't live my college career as I should've. I started going to house parties with my boyfriend at the time, and realized that I missed out on a lot because I was spending time with him instead of spending time with individuals in my cohort along with my friends. I realized, also, that I was falling out of love with him, but was unsure how to say it. I was doing an internship that was required as part of my schooling, and I really enjoyed it, but for some reason, I was still in my shell. I was nervous about opening myself up to other people, especially in a professional way, because that's something I never did before.
I graduated in December, two days after my grandpa died, so I wasn't very excited about graduation, and neither was anyone else. It wasn't as big of a deal as a lot of other people made their graduations out to be, and it was ultimately saddening. The way my boyfriend responded to the situation was weird for me as well. I didn't know what exactly I was doing with my life, as I didn't know if I wanted to apply to "adult" jobs, but I assumed I had to start, since my part-time job wasn't going to cut it anymore, as much as I enjoyed it. My boyfriend got dismissed from the university we were both going to, and started to go to community college and dropped out. The end of 2015 was honestly something that was horrific for me. I can't tell you what I did for New Years 2016, because there're things you just block out of your memory, and that was one for me.
January 2016 was really foggy for me. I'm not sure what I did with my life other than work my part-time job, so that's exciting. I started to apply for some "big kid" jobs, but had no avail at this point. In February, my long-term boyfriend had told me our landlord said we could get a cat. I was ecstatic, because I love cats. We went to the Humane Society, he picked out what cat he wanted because "it had to like him," and I bought a cat! I didn't put it in his name, but to this day, I love that little stinker like crazy. I also interviewed for a job shortly after I got a him, and realized that I knew two of the supervisors in my interview from my internship. It was good to have a familiar face who was familiar with me, because I'm awkward and giggly-nervous. I ended up getting the job, but putting in my notice at my part-time job made me ultimately upset because that place will always have a place in my heart.
Due to my part-time job being closer to my parents house, I stayed with them more often than staying in the apartment with my boyfriend. This made me realize how much I liked being away from him and how, even after 2 1/2 years, he was still clingy and childish as when I met him. He accepted a "big kid" job in February also, we actually both started on the same day, but his made $10,000 less than I did, and he was content with only making $11 an hour for the rest of his life. It was at this point that I realized that we both wanted different things in life. Cool, he was content with making little money and not getting a degree, but we both had bills to pay, and his job wasn't cutting what we needed to pay, so I was footing a lot of things when I shouldn't have been. He didn't seem to care about the cat. I loved him because he was a cute little kitten, and he couldn't even remember to give him water. He's a living being, and that just made me revert to thinking "what the hell would this be like if we had kids." His family was also truly horrific during holidays, especially to him, and I started to be vocal about it. He didn't like this, because it's his family, and I understand that now, but at the time it was frustrating and I wanted out of the situation.
I really enjoyed my job, but more enjoyed my co-workers. They made the experience less painful, especially because at the end of March, I ultimately ended things with my boyfriend. It was awkward because we lived together, and our lease wasn't up until May. I did some things I wasn't very proud of, he found out, and moved into the other bedroom and refused to speak to me. He spent less and less time at our house, and found other things to do, so ultimately I was alone. My mom came to visit me a couple of times, but this wasn't something that ever commonly happened, so it put me in a weird position.
In May, I ended up putting myself in a shitty situation with a boyfriend I got at the time. He was ridiculous and I paid to feed him through the week. Literally. I regret doing that with everything I have. In June my landlord fucked me over and I had to find a new place to live. I found an amazing place all by myself, and I was trying to feel better about myself. I ultimately ended things with that POS I was supporting in July, but even then it was hard because I still felt socially awkward. I also got myself into another relationship from September 2016-May? 2017. I can't remember, because that's another thing I like to try to block out of my head. He moved in with me and didn't pay for anything. So again, I was footing the bill for someone, and dug myself into a deep hole and was unable to pay for anything. I'd resigned my lease because I thought he was going to help me, but ultimately, he was sleeping with other people in my bed while I was at work.
I ended up moving back in with my parents early July 2017 due to my unfortunate financial circumstance I got myself in, and while I love my parents, it still kind of sucks. The entire portions of my life from July 2017-September 2018 are pretty few and far between. I worked a lot and put myself in another relationship that was shitty because I can't pick appropriate men to be in my life, and it's getting harder and harder for me to accept this, honestly. I had a boyfriend that had a child in Feb 2018-July 2018 that kind of made me realized that there're people out there that're shittier than I am. He had already claimed bankruptcy and had to have everything newer than what I did. I'd totaled my car two days before Christmas Eve 2017, and had to get a new vehicle. I'd fallen asleep behind the wheel and literally had $20 to my name at that time. I cried and remember being so horrified to call my parents. I also ended up getting a C&I ticket because of it, and had to pay to get that off of my record as well. Anyway, he decided he needed a newer car than I had, and went over his head in a loan buying a new 2018 vehicle that he didn't need. He also went through expensive cell phones every two months, and put himself in debt over CELL PHONES! Because he liked the way an iPhone "worked with his car" versus the Android phone he'd just bought outright two months prior.
In late July 2018, I met a man who I had a decent conversation with. I enjoyed talking to him and it seemed to be mutual. Late August 2018 we started talking and hanging out more, and I kind of pushed him to be in a relationship in September, because I was nervous that he was talking to other people, and wanted him to be exclusively mine. It ended a couple weeks later, and he hasn't talked to me sense, and I promise there's a point for me talking about all of my useless relationships. Due to this man, and me wanting out of my job so ridiculously bad, I applied for a job where he lived, and I actually ended up getting it! I'd searched for a new job for over a year, and it was an interesting time and experience. I went on several interviews, and when I got the job where I normally wouldn't apply for, I was beside myself. My parents were supportive and stated that maybe I could get a small apartment here so that I wouldn't have such a long commute to work. At this time, I was driving an hour one way to get to work, and would be doing the same with this new job. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me shortly after I got the job, and I was upset because he gave absolutely no reason other than "we took things too fast." Which I agree, but he's never talked to me again to this day and blocked me on Facebook, which I have the hardest time with because things seemed so fine and dandy at the time.
I had to put my notice in at the job that I'd had for nearly 3 years and the hardest part was leaving my co-workers and some of the providers that I'd made relationships with over the years. That job wasn't a job that people keep forever, and I was just accepting that part of my life. I was really looking forward to my new job, and when I started, felt more comfortable as the people are very accepting and have similar personalities to my own, which is always a good thing. I was a bit upset leaving, but knew that I could stay in contact with whomever I wanted to stay in contact with, which was the best.
So here we are, November 2018, and have gone through 3 years of bullshittery. Some of it I'm thankful for, and some of it I don't understand why it happened, but hopefully I'll learn through time. I've gotten more timid with new people, because I never know what I'm getting myself into, or someones honest feelings, as people have said things to me, and meant the complete opposite. I always tell myself everything happens for a reason, and hopefully I figure out those reasons over time.
For now, I'm happy with where I'm at in regards to my job. It's a pretty sweet job from my perspective, especially from what I was coming from. I'm not content with my personal life necessarily. A lot of my friends have moved away, or gotten significant others and we no longer have as significant of a relationship, which is unfortunate. I still live with my parents and am trying to get myself out of this unfortunate financial situation that I've gotten myself into, which has proven to be extremely difficult with added bonus fiances that me, this time last year, was not expecting. In regards to prospective relationships, I have none. I always told myself I wanted to be married with at least one child by the time I'm 25. Everyone's clocks are different, and I understand that, but I'm nowhere near even a relationship at this point, and my options are lessening. It sucks, and it's something that I get anxious about often, especially seeing everyone getting married or having children, but it's something I'll learn to accept, I'm sure of it.
Until then, I'll continue to do this. I don't really have someone I can talk to about my frustrations in life, so I think this may be the easiest way to get everything out that I have stuck in my head for this long. It may be good, but at the same time it may come back to bite me in the ass :).
I figured I'd start a new blog, because a lot has changed in my life since the last time I've blogged. I honestly can't even remember what the last thing I blogged was, because it's been so long and my life the past 3 years has been really shifty and all over the place. SO let's start with where I was 3 years ago in life.
Flashback to November 2015. I was nervous, as I was getting ready to graduate in December, and I felt like I didn't live my college career as I should've. I started going to house parties with my boyfriend at the time, and realized that I missed out on a lot because I was spending time with him instead of spending time with individuals in my cohort along with my friends. I realized, also, that I was falling out of love with him, but was unsure how to say it. I was doing an internship that was required as part of my schooling, and I really enjoyed it, but for some reason, I was still in my shell. I was nervous about opening myself up to other people, especially in a professional way, because that's something I never did before.
I graduated in December, two days after my grandpa died, so I wasn't very excited about graduation, and neither was anyone else. It wasn't as big of a deal as a lot of other people made their graduations out to be, and it was ultimately saddening. The way my boyfriend responded to the situation was weird for me as well. I didn't know what exactly I was doing with my life, as I didn't know if I wanted to apply to "adult" jobs, but I assumed I had to start, since my part-time job wasn't going to cut it anymore, as much as I enjoyed it. My boyfriend got dismissed from the university we were both going to, and started to go to community college and dropped out. The end of 2015 was honestly something that was horrific for me. I can't tell you what I did for New Years 2016, because there're things you just block out of your memory, and that was one for me.
January 2016 was really foggy for me. I'm not sure what I did with my life other than work my part-time job, so that's exciting. I started to apply for some "big kid" jobs, but had no avail at this point. In February, my long-term boyfriend had told me our landlord said we could get a cat. I was ecstatic, because I love cats. We went to the Humane Society, he picked out what cat he wanted because "it had to like him," and I bought a cat! I didn't put it in his name, but to this day, I love that little stinker like crazy. I also interviewed for a job shortly after I got a him, and realized that I knew two of the supervisors in my interview from my internship. It was good to have a familiar face who was familiar with me, because I'm awkward and giggly-nervous. I ended up getting the job, but putting in my notice at my part-time job made me ultimately upset because that place will always have a place in my heart.
Due to my part-time job being closer to my parents house, I stayed with them more often than staying in the apartment with my boyfriend. This made me realize how much I liked being away from him and how, even after 2 1/2 years, he was still clingy and childish as when I met him. He accepted a "big kid" job in February also, we actually both started on the same day, but his made $10,000 less than I did, and he was content with only making $11 an hour for the rest of his life. It was at this point that I realized that we both wanted different things in life. Cool, he was content with making little money and not getting a degree, but we both had bills to pay, and his job wasn't cutting what we needed to pay, so I was footing a lot of things when I shouldn't have been. He didn't seem to care about the cat. I loved him because he was a cute little kitten, and he couldn't even remember to give him water. He's a living being, and that just made me revert to thinking "what the hell would this be like if we had kids." His family was also truly horrific during holidays, especially to him, and I started to be vocal about it. He didn't like this, because it's his family, and I understand that now, but at the time it was frustrating and I wanted out of the situation.
I really enjoyed my job, but more enjoyed my co-workers. They made the experience less painful, especially because at the end of March, I ultimately ended things with my boyfriend. It was awkward because we lived together, and our lease wasn't up until May. I did some things I wasn't very proud of, he found out, and moved into the other bedroom and refused to speak to me. He spent less and less time at our house, and found other things to do, so ultimately I was alone. My mom came to visit me a couple of times, but this wasn't something that ever commonly happened, so it put me in a weird position.
In May, I ended up putting myself in a shitty situation with a boyfriend I got at the time. He was ridiculous and I paid to feed him through the week. Literally. I regret doing that with everything I have. In June my landlord fucked me over and I had to find a new place to live. I found an amazing place all by myself, and I was trying to feel better about myself. I ultimately ended things with that POS I was supporting in July, but even then it was hard because I still felt socially awkward. I also got myself into another relationship from September 2016-May? 2017. I can't remember, because that's another thing I like to try to block out of my head. He moved in with me and didn't pay for anything. So again, I was footing the bill for someone, and dug myself into a deep hole and was unable to pay for anything. I'd resigned my lease because I thought he was going to help me, but ultimately, he was sleeping with other people in my bed while I was at work.
I ended up moving back in with my parents early July 2017 due to my unfortunate financial circumstance I got myself in, and while I love my parents, it still kind of sucks. The entire portions of my life from July 2017-September 2018 are pretty few and far between. I worked a lot and put myself in another relationship that was shitty because I can't pick appropriate men to be in my life, and it's getting harder and harder for me to accept this, honestly. I had a boyfriend that had a child in Feb 2018-July 2018 that kind of made me realized that there're people out there that're shittier than I am. He had already claimed bankruptcy and had to have everything newer than what I did. I'd totaled my car two days before Christmas Eve 2017, and had to get a new vehicle. I'd fallen asleep behind the wheel and literally had $20 to my name at that time. I cried and remember being so horrified to call my parents. I also ended up getting a C&I ticket because of it, and had to pay to get that off of my record as well. Anyway, he decided he needed a newer car than I had, and went over his head in a loan buying a new 2018 vehicle that he didn't need. He also went through expensive cell phones every two months, and put himself in debt over CELL PHONES! Because he liked the way an iPhone "worked with his car" versus the Android phone he'd just bought outright two months prior.
In late July 2018, I met a man who I had a decent conversation with. I enjoyed talking to him and it seemed to be mutual. Late August 2018 we started talking and hanging out more, and I kind of pushed him to be in a relationship in September, because I was nervous that he was talking to other people, and wanted him to be exclusively mine. It ended a couple weeks later, and he hasn't talked to me sense, and I promise there's a point for me talking about all of my useless relationships. Due to this man, and me wanting out of my job so ridiculously bad, I applied for a job where he lived, and I actually ended up getting it! I'd searched for a new job for over a year, and it was an interesting time and experience. I went on several interviews, and when I got the job where I normally wouldn't apply for, I was beside myself. My parents were supportive and stated that maybe I could get a small apartment here so that I wouldn't have such a long commute to work. At this time, I was driving an hour one way to get to work, and would be doing the same with this new job. My boyfriend at the time broke up with me shortly after I got the job, and I was upset because he gave absolutely no reason other than "we took things too fast." Which I agree, but he's never talked to me again to this day and blocked me on Facebook, which I have the hardest time with because things seemed so fine and dandy at the time.
I had to put my notice in at the job that I'd had for nearly 3 years and the hardest part was leaving my co-workers and some of the providers that I'd made relationships with over the years. That job wasn't a job that people keep forever, and I was just accepting that part of my life. I was really looking forward to my new job, and when I started, felt more comfortable as the people are very accepting and have similar personalities to my own, which is always a good thing. I was a bit upset leaving, but knew that I could stay in contact with whomever I wanted to stay in contact with, which was the best.
So here we are, November 2018, and have gone through 3 years of bullshittery. Some of it I'm thankful for, and some of it I don't understand why it happened, but hopefully I'll learn through time. I've gotten more timid with new people, because I never know what I'm getting myself into, or someones honest feelings, as people have said things to me, and meant the complete opposite. I always tell myself everything happens for a reason, and hopefully I figure out those reasons over time.
For now, I'm happy with where I'm at in regards to my job. It's a pretty sweet job from my perspective, especially from what I was coming from. I'm not content with my personal life necessarily. A lot of my friends have moved away, or gotten significant others and we no longer have as significant of a relationship, which is unfortunate. I still live with my parents and am trying to get myself out of this unfortunate financial situation that I've gotten myself into, which has proven to be extremely difficult with added bonus fiances that me, this time last year, was not expecting. In regards to prospective relationships, I have none. I always told myself I wanted to be married with at least one child by the time I'm 25. Everyone's clocks are different, and I understand that, but I'm nowhere near even a relationship at this point, and my options are lessening. It sucks, and it's something that I get anxious about often, especially seeing everyone getting married or having children, but it's something I'll learn to accept, I'm sure of it.
Until then, I'll continue to do this. I don't really have someone I can talk to about my frustrations in life, so I think this may be the easiest way to get everything out that I have stuck in my head for this long. It may be good, but at the same time it may come back to bite me in the ass :).
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